I was woken up one night with the following words and felt them important enough to sit up, turn the light on, grab a pen and paper, and write them down.
You can’t see the reflection because of the projection.
The next day I ruminated on this message.
Projection is when we look at others through the lens of our wounds. We look out through our past experience, past pain, or trauma. Our perception becomes tainted accordingly.
Psychology Today defines projection in this way:
Unconscious discomfort can lead people to attribute unacceptable feelings or impulses to someone else to avoid confronting them. Projection allows the difficult trait to be addressed without the individual fully recognizing it in themselves.
Gaslighting
Sometimes projection can turn into gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim’s mind. Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.
In my experience, the gaslighter is not even conscious of what they are doing. They are in such a distorted state and they project that distortion onto another. The victim may reel in confusion or gain clarity by sensing what his or her own truth is.
What is true?
And how do we know what is true for us? I have a simple test. If holding that truth in your psyche, which is not just your mind but also your heart, brings expansion and joy or peace, then it’s true for you. Follow your gut instinct which I also call a heart instinct.
Reflection, On the Other Hand
In contrast to projection or gaslighting would be reflection, looking in a pristine mirror, seeing our true selves or pure essence reflected back to us in the present circumstances of our lives without the distortion of the past. But we have collected so much on the inner mirror that this can be rare. Sometimes we get glimpses in the purity of nature or the innocence of young children.
We have moments of joy and peace and even what is known as enlightenment. And whether we know it or not, the rest of the time we are either mucking up the mirror or working on clearing that mirror, if we are conscious. Many of us simply add layer upon layer and get lost under the weight of it all.
Australian spiritual teacher Barry Long gave many practical guidelines for this task of clearing the mirror. He talked about getting your life right. Where is it wrong? Wherever you get emotional. Look at those issues and take action toward change. Be true to the situation, he taught.
Getting Older
A spiritual mentor of mine once shared that older people can sometimes appear unattractive not so much because of aging but because of all the heaviness in the psyche of what they are carrying from the past.
And I wonder that women tend to live longer than men because they have not been enculturated to keep their emotions in as men have, that men are weighted down with so much more that they are carrying.
For the Young
We all are familiar with the saying Boys don’t cry.
But really? We need to teach our children and especially our boys differently so they don’t become adults who are depressed, anxious, abusive, or even violent as they have never been permitted to truly acknowledge or process their feelings.
American television host Fred Rogers taught us much about being human and raising children.
Of course, I get angry. Of course, I get sad. I have a full range of emotions. I also have a whole smorgasbord of ways of dealing with my feelings. That is what we should give children. Give them … ways to express their rage without hurting themselves or somebody else. That’s what the world needs.
And it has just occurred to me that rarely is a mass shooting committed by a woman. Our boys and our men are not given what they need and are wound so tightly that they literally explode.
So how do we mitigate such explosions?
First, we keep ourselves in an ongoing process of deactivation, letting go of fear and the pain of shame and of resentment aka clearing the mirror. American author, social researcher, and professor Brene Brown has an apt motto for this: Keeping it awkward, brave, and kind.
Second, we teach the children.
Here is a list from a parenting article about helpful ways to speak to a young child who is crying that really can apply to any age when one is emotional:
- I see how upset you are.
- I see that this is hard for you.
- Let’s solve this problem together.
- It’s okay to be sad.
- I see you want some space. I’ll stay close by so you can find me when you need me.
For older children and adults, I might add the following: I can listen or just sit here with you and How can I help?
THINK
The THINK acronym reminds us all to take a pause between feeling triggered with emotion and taking an action, whether in word or deed. I even had a poster of this on the wall in my classroom and referred to it regularly when in conflict mediation with students.
- Is it True?
- Is it Helpful?
- Is it Inspiring?
- Is it Necessary?
- Is it Kind?
Balancing Act
So the spiritual life is a process of cleaning the inner mirror. First, we have to be conscious of what’s collected there. Then we need tools to tackle the task. Finally, we gather the courage to face ourselves head-on. An untidy house never gets clean by ignoring the clutter or dirt.
We teach best by example. Whatever we do to bring balance for ourselves, we do for our children. Here I quote Fred Rogers again.
Parents don’t come full bloom at the birth of the first baby. In fact parenting is about growing. It’s about our own growing as much as it is about our children’s growing and that kind of growing happens little by little.
So be brave and kind, to ourselves and others, as we navigate the sometimes emotional and awkward journey called life, little by little, creating more peace and experiencing more joy, together.
Read on Medium.
photo by Caroline Veronez on Unsplash